This week I was very excited to learn that after all the scandal surrounding the baby bump of Beyonce Knowles (OMG, is it real or fake?!) the mega pop star had finally given birth to a beautiful baby girl, named Blue Ivy. What a great way to start 2012!
Actually, I couldn’t care less. I did note however that Ms. Knowles is continuing the recent trend among American celebrities of saddling their offspring with stupid names. Reverse the order to Ivy Blue and the result would have been picturesque (somewhat). Change the first part to Green, and it would have been prosaic but highly descriptive. But hey, that would be Squaresville, man!
Back when I was a kid, it was rare even for famous pop star parents to give their babies stupid names. Indeed, the only ones I can think of are 1) Frank Zappa (Dweezil, Moon Unit, etc.) and 2) David Bowie (Zowie). But Zappa was a professional freak, while Bowie’s kid quickly opted to be called “Joe” before settling on the eminently sensible “Duncan.”
A quick internet search reveals that today stupid baby names are as common in the celebrity world as prescription medication abuse and half-baked political dribbling. Consider for instance Tu Morrow, the daughter of some dude on a crime show; or Moxie Crimefighter, daughter of the magician Penn Jillette; or Jermajesty Jackson, son of Jermaine Jackson who clearly felt the need to compete in the regal stakes with his more talented brother Michael, who named his sons “Prince Michael” and “Prince Michael II.”
Of course it’s not only celebrities who dole out stupid names. Every year millions of Americans saddle their children, especially girls, with cutesy names spelled badly. I regularly spot these in supermarkets where shop assistants wear badges proclaiming the cruelty of their parents. Britnye was one recent horror, although I have also seen Tiffini, Djesyka and many other asinine variations on the names of rubbish pop starlets. I think these daft spellings have been applied to mark the child out as an individual, because what indicates uniqueness more effectively than having a trite name spelled funny? It all reminds me of Bruce Willis’ great line from Pulp Fiction (his character was called “Butch”):
“I’m American, honey. Our names don’t mean sh!t.”
Is it only Americans who get up to this nonsense, though? I recall that in Japan a few years back some guy called one kid “God” the other “Devil” and a third “Little Flower Picked from Hairy Bottom.” In New Zealand in 2008, a judge allowed a child to rename herself after her parents had inflicted upon her the nonsensical “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.” Other names blocked in New Zealand included “Fish and Chips,” “Twisty Poi” and “Sex Fruit.” Meanwhile, in Germany, there are lots of boys called “Kevin.”
Perhaps the most bizarre name I have ever encountered was in my native Scotland. At first I thought Iwaly might be North African and conventional in that context but the kid was as pasty-faced and as me. Turns out it was an acronym, for I Will Always Love You. Hm… So that’s why you gave me this utterly stupid name that will ensure I am tormented in school every day for the next thirteen years? Well intentioned certainly- but also tragic.
I could wax existential about the cataclysmic breakdown of values and meaning in this postmodern age, etc., but you know all that anyway. I mean, they may have had slavery and beheading in the Old Days but at least adults understood the importance of the naming ritual and sought through it to connect their kids with the past and the universe around them. Indeed, in many pre-modern cultures individuals would assume different names at different points in their life as their roles changed. Native Americans are famous for this; kings and popes still do it.
When I learned- aged seven or so- that my name means God has judged in Hebrew I grew very anxious: it seemed rather early for the Almighty to be jumping to conclusions. My brother David on the other hand reveled in the meaning “Beloved”- the same as Iwaly, I suppose, only not stupid.
But even a fairly standard, classical name is problematic if you switch environments. There’s a Dutch senator called Tiny Kox who occasionally pops up in Russia to observe elections. Maybe that sounds like a great philosopher in Holland, but in English speaking countries, er… not so much.
Speaking of which, back home I know a lovely Brazilian-Polish couple who called their son Aeneas, after the hero of Virgil’s Aeneid. That’s quite common in Greece, and refers to the Trojan warrior whose mother was a goddess: all very grandiose. But in Scotland, the kids just aren’t that well-educated. And to his peers in school, Aeneas is going to sound and read like something else entirely. So I hope he grows up into an epic hero as mighty as his namesake. Otherwise he’s doomed.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s and may not necessarily represent those of RIA Novosti.
What does the world look like to a man stranded deep in the heart of Texas? Each week, Austin- based author Daniel Kalder writes about America, Russia and beyond from his position as an outsider inside the woefully - and willfully - misunderstood state he calls “the third cultural and economic center of the USA.”
Daniel Kalder is a Scotsman who lived in Russia for a decade before moving to Texas in 2006. He is the author of two books, Lost Cosmonaut (2006) and Strange Telescopes (2008), and writes for numerous publications including The Guardian, The Observer, The Times of London and The Spectator.
Transmissions from a Lone Star: My New Year’s resolution – Become more like Lenin
Transmission from a lone star: 2011 - The Year in Dictators
Transmission from a lone star: What I don’t want for Christmas
Transmission from a lone star: Wind of Change
Transmission from a lone star: Cloning the mammoth
Transmission from a lone star: Attack of the Little Satan
Transmission from a lone star: American poverty
Transmission from a lone star: Surprised by fame
Transmission from a lone star: Climbing inside the horse, or: the uses of animals
Transmission from a lone star: New Sensations
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Mr. Gorbachev goes to Mexico
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Bourgeois kids of the world unite!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Operation Fast and Furious: a very baffling scandal
Transmissions from a Lone Star: After the fire, or How the Chihuahua was spared
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Cherokees versus African Americans in the 21st century
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Why Solzhenitsyn still matters
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Waiting to burn
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Colonel Gaddafi’s Conan the Barbarian moment
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Faith in helicopters
Transmissions from a Lone Star: American election watch, Part II – the cowboy cometh!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: When fools go to war
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Living in a natural disaster area
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Will America go into default?
Transmissions from a Lone Star: My local mega mosque
Transmissions from a Lone Star: July 4th, Russian Style
Transmissions from a Lone Star: On rock stars, slaves and free men
Transmissions from a Lone Star: The Sound of silence
Transmissions from a Lone Star: These days I get my truth from the tabloids
Transmissions from a Lone Star: American election watch, part 1
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Of Chukchi and Irishmen
Transmissions from a Lone Star: How I slayed the serpent
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Osama bin Laden, the great unifier
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Bury my heart on Nameless Road
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Party of the damned
Transmissions from a Lone Star: R.I.P. Yury Gagarin, long live the Russian space program!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Freedom of speech and cosmic stupidity
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Why I am immune to Royal Wedding fever
Transmissions from a Lone Star: My life of crime
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Russian pop acts abroad with stars in their eyes
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Overnight sensations
Transmissions from a Lone Planet: Let a thousand concealed handguns bloom
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Robocop Forever!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Life During Wartime
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Ice storms, snowfall and the last man on Earth
Transmissions from a Lone Star: A Brief Encounter with Holy Death
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Ancient wisdom of the Apache
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Transmissions from a Lone Star: Things Coca-Cola has taught me
Transmissions from a Lone Star: The Ghost in the Rage Machine
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Parallel Lives. Russian literature at home and abroad
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Is America becoming more Texan?
Transmissions from a Lone Star: For instant Christmas spirit, blow here
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Finding magic in everyday places
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Everything was forever until it was no more
Transmissions from a Lone Star: The city and the country
Transmissions from a Lone Star: God and germs are everywhere
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Whatever happened to the Fort Hood shooter?
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Post-election psychosis American style!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Messiah Time - Apocalypse in Russian-American Politics
